Jokes & Stories

Created; 03-11-2002; Changed 06/04/2020, 12/03/2024


 West Indies 1978 - St. Marrten (salt making) - Once again taken with Agfa Silette I and light tables. Film processing had improved since 1971, but the pictures needed enhancing. I actually got the film processed five years later.


Roy Jenkins (woy) once said he would have no ranker in his party - but he did not actually say that.

I know women are superior to men, I found.  This out when I was five.  In a sports day boys race, we were all beaten by the three-year-old girl who lived next door to me, and had joined in.  Miss Day got a lolly for that.

Try This   

Will Hay's best

Where's that fire?

Tommy Cooper goes shopping looking for camouflage trousers - he could not see any anywhere.

Dentist tells Tommy Cooper to say "Ahaaa", he says "why", Dentist "my dog died".

The trouble with a bicycle is that you can't open the window when you are hot or have farted.

Ron tells me the problem when men get old is they forget to zip up after, but when they get older the problem is forgetting to unzip first.

May West said It is better to be looked over than to be overlooked.

When May West was good she was very good, but when she was bad she was better.

Sarah xxx says - It's OK to kiss a fool. It's OK to let a fool kiss you. But don't let a kiss fool you.

Q. What is the difference between a constipated owl and a marksman who can't shoot.

A. One shoots but can't hit, the other hoots but can't sh...t. {Burk Special 1970s BBCTV}

Return from the 1978 visit to the West Indies (Limbo dancing was one of the most impressive shows I've ever seen) - Azores (blue and green lakes). 

Security alert

We've just been notified by Security that there have been 6 suspected terrorists working out of your office. Five of the six have been apprehended.

Bin Sleepin, Bin Hiding, Bin Fukinabout, Bin Lunchin and Bin Drinkin have all been taken into custody. Security advised us that they could find no one fitting the description of the sixth cell member, Bin Workin, at your office.

Security is confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin Workin will be very easy to spot.

You are obviously not a suspect at this time... 

For those of you searching for Inner Peace. Patterns



I am passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for me. By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace........the article read:

The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started."

So I looked around the house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished....and before coming to work this morning I have finished off a bottle of Bacardi, a bottle of red wine, a bottle of Jim Beam, my Prozac, some Valium, a small box of chocolates and 2 litres of Fosters Lager, a 1/2 can of cider & a large reefer

You have no idea how f*very good I feel....

Something to sing!!

To the tune of "If you're happy and you know it"

If you cannot find Osama, bomb Iraq.

If the markets are a drama, bomb Iraq.

If the terrorists are frisky,

Pakistan is looking shifty,

North Korea is too risky,

Bomb Iraq.

If we have no allies with us, bomb Iraq.

If we think someone has dissed us, bomb Iraq.

So to hell with the inspections,

Let's look tough for the elections,

Close your mind and take directions,

Bomb Iraq.

It's "pre-emptive non-aggression", bomb Iraq.

Let's prevent this mass destruction, bomb Iraq.

They've got weapons we can't see,

And that's good enough for me

'Cos it'all the proof I need

Bomb Iraq.

If you never were elected, bomb Iraq.

If your mood is quite dejected, bomb Iraq.

If you think Saddam's gone mad,

With the weapons that he had,

(And he tried to kill your dad),

Bomb Iraq.

If your corporate fraud is growin', bomb Iraq.

If your ties to it are showin', bomb Iraq.

If your politics are sleazy,

And hiding that ain't easy,

And your manhood's getting queasy,

Bomb Iraq.

Fall in line and follow orders, bomb Iraq.

For our might knows not our borders, bomb Iraq.

Disagree? We'll call it treason,

Let's make war not love this season,

Even if we have no reason,

Bomb Iraq.

Army Pranks;

Jon Peel’s Home Truths on radio 4 had a story on the 2/11/02 about someone who bought a KitKat and a coffee and sat with someone she did not know at a table in a café.  She took a piece of the KitKat then the man took a piece until it was finished. She thought it strange that the man should eat half her KitKat until she put her hand in her pocket latter and found her KitKat.  She had inadvertently eaten the stranger's KitKat.

Someone off work following a stay in hospital, with little to occupier her when she was phoned by a double-glazing salesman. Avril always says to tellisalesmen don’t waste your time go on to your next call. Anyway the salesman was insistent, so Avril admitted that she does like plants, but a conservatory would have to be on two levels, this was off cause, was possible. Avril wanted to be sure they could build a conservatory on to her flat, but the salesman was sure they could build up walls, and around corners. After half an hour Avril gave her address flat 3, etc. and a time was agreed for their salesman to call. Just as the salesman was about to ring off, she said did you get the address right - second floor flat, the salesman called her a cow or something and rang off.



My Friend George Lott reminded me of a good old joke.  "A man wheels a wheel-barrow of straw through the town every week.  Copper suspects he's stealing something, goes through the straw and finds nothing.  Next and every week, the same and the copper find's nothing in the straw. Eventually copper retires but want's to know what the man is stealing.  He says to the man I'm retired and can't work out what you are stealing - and I won't do anything about it if you tell me.  Man says 'Wheel-Barrows'"

To tell you a little more about George: - He drinks in the High Brooms Tavern (formally High Brooms Hotel). He always uses a jug because although the beer in straight glass tastes the same, but there is a risk of the glass slipping though your hands on a new fifth pint. This happened once while he was talking to someone, the full glass hit the wooden floor, and the beer rose out of the glass. At this point the pub went silent. The pint all but a few spots fell back in to the glass, George bent down, and picked up the pint (thinking I could look a fool here) continued his conversation, and drinking his beer. 20-second latter conversation resumed in the bar. Subsequently, someone else told him that he went straight home thinking he had had far too much to drink when he saw that.

George tells me his wife only found out that he was drinking when he came home sober one evening. - As I said the old ones are the best. 

Memory loss in old age

Old lady said to old man "My memory is very bad I go upstairs then forget what I went up their for".  Old man (Alf Garnet) says "I don't have that problem I live in a bungalow" 

Q. What's brown and sounds like a bell? (I heard Spike Milligan tell this one first)


Tommy Cooper said;

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't Find any.


 Why do men break wind more than women?

 Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.



Not a joke;

Canadian who travelled to England to fight in WWI;

Mum spoke to an old Canadian in recent years (2010-2012) who's father returned to his home in Edmonton, Owen-sound, Canada so that he could fight in WW1 he had to return from Zimbabwe (Rhodesia) he went to Jamaica then travelled through the USA to Canada to join up in England and serve in WW1.