Jokes & Stories

Created; 03-11-2002; Changed 06/04/2020, 23/02/2020

Old this webpage;


West Indies 1978 - St. Marrten (salt making) - Once again taken with Agfa Silette I and light tables. Film processing had improved since 1971 but the pictures needed enhancing. I actually got the film processed five years later.


Roy Jenkins (woy) once said he would have no ranker in his party - but he did not actually say that.

A quick observation test for you to check out

German Calendar

I know women are superior to men, I found.this out when I was five. In a sports day boys race we were all beaten by the three year old girl who lived next door to me, and had joined in. Miss Day got a lolly for that.

Try This

Will Hay's best

Where's that fire?

Tommy Cooper goes shopping looking for camouflage trousers - he could not see any anywhere.

Dentist tells Tommy Cooper to say "Ahaaa", he says "why", Dentist "my dog died".

The trouble with a bicycle is that you can't open the window when you are hot or have farted.

Ron tells me the problem when men get old is they forget to zip up after, but when they get older the problem is forgetting to unzip first.

May West said It is better to be looked over than to be overlooked.

When May West was good she was very good, but when she was bad she was better.

Sarah xxx says - It's ok to kiss a fool. It's ok to let a fool kiss you. But don't let a kiss fool you.

Q. What is the difference between a constipated owl and a marksman who can't shoot.

A. One shoots but can't hit the other hoot's but can't sh...t. {Burk Special 1970's BBCTV}

Return from the 1978 visit to the West Indies (Limbo dancing was one of the most impressive shows I've ever seen) - Azores (blue and green lakes).

Security alert

We've just been notified by Security that there have been 6 suspected terrorists working out of your office. Five of the six have been apprehended.

Bin Sleepin, Bin Hiding, Bin Fukinabout, Bin Lunchin and Bin Drinkin have all been taken into custody. Security advised us that they could find no one fitting the description of the sixth cell member, Bin Workin, at your office.

Security is confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin Workin will be very easy to spot.

You are obviously not a suspect at this time...

For those of you searching for Inner Peace. Patterns



I am passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for me. By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace........the article read:

The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started."

So I looked around the house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished....and before coming to work this morning I have finished off a bottle of Bacardi, a bottle of red wine, a bottle of Jim Beam, my Prozac, some valium, a small box of chocolates and 2 litres of Fosters Lager, a 1/2 can of cider & a large reefer

You have no idea how f*very good I feel....

Something to sing!!

To the tune of "If you're happy and you know it"

If you cannot find Osama, bomb Iraq.

If the markets are a drama, bomb Iraq.

If the terrorists are frisky,

Pakistan is looking shifty,

North Korea is too risky,

Bomb Iraq.

If we have no allies with us, bomb Iraq.

If we think someone has dissed us, bomb Iraq.

So to hell with the inspections,

Let's look tough for the elections,

Close your mind and take directions,

Bomb Iraq.

It's "pre-emptive non-aggression", bomb Iraq.

Let's prevent this mass destruction, bomb Iraq.

They've got weapons we can't see,

And that's good enough for me

'Cos it'all the proof I need

Bomb Iraq.

If you never were elected, bomb Iraq.

If your mood is quite dejected, bomb Iraq.

If you think Saddam's gone mad,

With the weapons that he had,

(And he tried to kill your dad),

Bomb Iraq.

If your corporate fraud is growin', bomb Iraq.

If your ties to it are showin', bomb Iraq.

If your politics are sleazy,

And hiding that ain't easy,

And your manhood's getting queasy,

Bomb Iraq.

Fall in line and follow orders, bomb Iraq.

For our might knows not our borders, bomb Iraq.

Disagree? We'll call it treason,

Let's make war not love this season,

Even if we have no reason,

Bomb Iraq.

Army Pranks;

    • In Spike Milligan's book "Hitler my part in his downfall" describes how training soldiers would light the farts, but consequently burnt there bums and had to spend time in hospital. The nursing staff knew what they had done before they described it. I don't think the film of the book played by the carry-on crowd with Spike as his father, covered this aspect as well as the book.

    • My dad said, when I told him about Spike's book, that was nothing he new someone, when he was doing national service, with enough control to perform "three blind mice".

    • Home Truths - Double Glazing

Jon Peel’s Home Truths on radio 4 had a story on the 2/11/02 about someone who bought a kit-kat and a coffee and sat with someone she did not know at a table in a cafe. She took a piece of the kit-kat then the man took a piece until it was finished. She thought it strange that the man should eat half her kit-kat until she put her hand in her pocket latter and found her kit-kat. She had inadvertently eaten the stranger's kit-kat.

Avril was off work following a stay in hospital, with little to occupier her when she was phone by a double-glazing sales man. Avril always says to tellisalesmen don’t waste your time go on to your next call. Anyway the sales man was insistent so Avril admitted that she does like plants but a conservatory would have to be on two levels, this was off cause, was possible. Avril wanted to be sure they could build a conservatory on to her flat, but the salesman was sure they could build up walls, and around corners. After half an hour Avril gave her address flat 3, etc. and a time was agreed for their sales man to call. Just as the salesman was about to ring off, she said did you get the address right - second floor flat, the salesman called her a cow or something and rang off.



My Friend George Lott reminded me of a good old joke. "A man wheels a wheel-barrow of straw through the town every week. Copper suspects he's stealing something, goes through the straw and finds nothing. Next and every week, the same and the copper find's nothing in the straw. Eventually copper retires but want's to know what the man is stealing. He says to the man I'm retired and can't work out what you are stealing - and I won't do anything about it if you tell me. Man says 'Wheel-Barrows'"

To tell you a little more about George: - He drinks in the High Brooms Tavern (formally High Brooms Hotel). He always uses a jug because although the beer in straight glass tastes the same but there is a risk of the glass slipping though your hands on a new fifth pint. This happened once while he was talking to someone, the full glass hit the wooden floor, and the beer rose out of the glass. At this point the pub went silent. The pint all but a few spots fell back in to the glass, George bent down, and picked up the pint (thinking I could look a fool here) continued his conversation, and drinking his beer. 20 second latter conversation resumed in the bar. Subsequently someone else told him that he went straight home thinking he had had far too much to drink when he saw that.

George tells me his wife only found out that he was drinking when he came home sober one evening. - As I said the old ones are the best.

Memory loss in old age

Old lady said to old man "My memory is very bad I go upstairs then forget what I went up their for". Old man (Alf Garnet) says "I don't have that problem I live in a bungalow"

Q. What's brown and sounds like a bell? (I heard Spike Milligan tell this one first)


Tommy Cooper said;

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't Find any.


Why do men break wind more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.



Not a joke;

Canadian who travelled to England to fight in WWI;

Mum spoke to an old Canadian in recent years (2010-2012) who's father returned to his home in Edmonton, Owen-sound, Canada so that he could fight in WW1 he had to return from Zimbabwe (Rhodesia) he went to Jamaica then travelled through USA to Canada to join up in England and serve in WW1.